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About Traditional Art / Hobbyist Core Member Kassc Alvarez NoeggerathMale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 6 Years
2 Week Core Membership
Statistics 255 Deviations 1,764 Comments 9,621 Pageviews



My Own Work:

Celathan Lance Mk.2: 100%…
Rise n Shine Mk.2: 100%…
Thoadric-Cube Mk.2: 100%
Yggdrasil-Tree home: 25% [Lines]
Zavios & Zendra Gear?: 0%
25 Expression Challenge: 120% [Extra's]
Sun-Valley Landscapes: 0% [Help me?...]

Losian comic book:










What do you want more from me? 

5 deviants said My Comic.
3 deviants said My Random Puns.
2 deviants said Peeks about Losian life.
No deviants said Reference's about Sun-Valley and Losian himself


Kassc's Profile Picture
Kassc Alvarez Noeggerath
Artist | Hobbyist | Traditional Art
United States
:iconrequestsopen: :icontradesopen: :iconcollabsopen: :iconcommissionsopen:
Don't be shy!... I'll draw for you with joy, but of course... keep it PG-13 :J
What can I say?... I like MLP:FIM... So I draw it... sorta xD

Want a pro tip?:……

*What is love if your heart is thorned apart, What is survival if your body wants to kill itself, What is joy if your blood is made of barbed wire.What is life when all your senses just perceive pain...

Well... if you guys have seen on my DA  journals. that's only  a fragment of my broken mental state. Aside that... I seem to hold no self worth, my mind seems to linger on my sexual assault every now and then, medication they gave me and the weird suggestion from different psychiatrist has my brain quite clogged with morales and values that I hold no pride for. Aside that my family keeps begging me for money, and the constant fears and insecurities of me doing a mistake and falling down. and no one will catch me cause... no one has my back. Even if some one can catch me… how are they planning to reach me from Washington state?. and even provide me food and housing and even worst. attending my own psychological broken state.

I will be a huge burden yes. But it's just stuff that I try to avoid all together. playing it safe and getting stuff done. one at the time…

I have been very depressed for quite some months now... Even throw most of my military life. And... I had this very dark thoughts of just ending it all. at least knowing so, it will provide my family with a large sum of money~, but I had a lot of money saved in my saving accounts and so in my check accounts... I met this Marine. who was in desperate need cause shit got serious on his case. so... I literally gave most if not all my money. took loans from different places. loans from banks, navy relief and what not. just gave the money away like candy. Expecting to die tomorrow by overdose of pills.

and... the pills did not kill me... I saw the sun rise and... I tho it was a dream…

Its cool tho. stuff happens in life and... you just have to roll with the punches… Right?

My mind rolls on… most of my self does not feel worthy at all.

I know I am more than this.

that's just my sane part of my brain. But everything scales downs to brake me down into pieces.

of how my family treated me, from brothers, parents and cousins. I had a very rough time when I was living on the streets of California... my uncle hated and shoved me down the buss so many times. I wasted money on calling different family members to help me... I should had wasted those quarters on food instead. or clothing.

Not until I join the military. and... I tho my life was set. Stuff only got worse from there. my mind was already split and I literally put all of my hopes and expectations in the military. just to be treated like garbage and work long hours of work... like if I did a crime or if I was some type of demonic person. everyone just treated me like some type of criminal... I went to sleep every night praying... please... as long as I am not doing anything wrong... everything should be fine…

After some awful events and falling in to a mental breakdown… I get sent to the asylum… get medicated up the ass and processed by various psychiatrist and psychologist that only made my case worst… As if each move they do was a direct needle into the brain… I grew tired of the medications... I know what everyone says but medications really mess with my head... its being forced to feel stuff that I don't truly feel. it really cracks my mind as it only dips me in further more confusion and every single physiatrist. you have no idea how much I fear to say this to them… 3 times... I decided to open a fragment of my brain. they simply sent me to the asylum. I simply played along with their games. Just to see people bang their head on the walls, bite their wrist in hope to cut their veins, throw chairs across the room, cry and sob like babies while other took no care of their own hygiene. and I saw myself sitting in the middle of the room, drawing on a piece of paper in hope to ignore everything around me,even with all this going on... a cousin comes to visit me... and decides to call me a fucking "Bitch". cause I can't handle the shit I been going throw... my face went from death to a smile as I quickly wore up an other façade, change the topic and talk about how the weather is and about the new movies. Time passed… Once they all said I was stable enough to go back to work like a slave...

I get raped...

Prying eyes and whispering winds spread the event like newspaper. in little less than a week I was the center of attention of an event I had no control over. getting those looks and leers... Those whispers and jokes… is this amusing?... is this a circus show?....

I keep falling down. deeper and deeper levels... and I curled up in the darkest corners. trying to become invisible... I cried so many times in the shower... cried myself to sleep so many times... I punched and banged my head throw so many walls. But  I kept fighting... like a curse... my diligence never let me give up.

I just wanted to avoid anything to anybody... I stop contacting people... and... then getting this memories of my parents saying... "Why you call your friends all the time?... why don't they call you?..." some how that triggered in my head... I simply just sit away... days, weeks, months passed and nobody looked for me... I filled my self with too many dark thoughts of unworthy being... unneeded. I felt like a living paradox. I spazzed…

I just wanted to end everything. but something inside me still wants to fight. till this very day... whatever I have... its making me to continue the fight. the curse of my diligence... I don't know what it is... don't know what is called... its just a flame inside me... that keeps me warm in the slowest walking phase…

I see myself as a rotting carcass. Barely dragging myself across the ground as I just do stuff by seer survival. Cant seem to perceive joy anymore as all of my senses are simply focused to avoid any further damage... to simply survive. creating dozen to facades just for every occasion. to simply play along and get stuff done... pretend to be a friend, show a smile and laugh about the joke. Just so can get the use of some one.

Most of the stuff I do just does not feel real... I am not sure if I am doing stuff for genuine care. or I simply doing it cause I know I can't survive along. my mind is really fragmented right now. people don't seem to grasp around it. that I am in so much unbearable pain. Every day. It weighs on me. from day to night. my eyes shock still as tears fall down my cheeks. I don't make a noise nor I do curl down anymore. If I need to cry. I just let tears flow down my eyes... I don't even feel human as I don't understand what I am suppose to be anymore…

people wonder and ask. but my façade is so fucking thick that people can't see beyond my fake expressions anymore. my body and mind are literally in survival mode... my soul scorches my insides... my blood boils with anger, fury of months of unleashed pain while my muscles flex in to barbed wires... the pain... the pain just seems to fuel me now days... I fear to go paranoid as one day I will shout "IT'S OVER" and simply unleash this pain to anyone I see…

And with this... I can continue... on and on... all this thoughts and more rush through my mind as I literally behold so much anguish and rage for this world…

But no one it's going to help me get my stuff done. no one ever has. I do hope to find myself with close friends to help me. but I will be so fucking broken that they will never understand me.




And I am surprised how I have not fallen into alcohol nor smoking nor into any addiction...

If I had... I think I would been dead long time ago... addictions are the worst way to cup with stuff... problems don't go away... it just stalls them...

But right now

… I’m full with anguish and anger. you don't want to meet that part of me.

Don't think all faith is lost... as I said… I’m full with anguish and rage... for now... I been smart of what I been doing…

In time... wounds will heal. But my rage for life... the painful anguish... I just want to tear the planet inside out and rip what they have taken from me…

I have not committed any crimes... I want to be pure. I never meant harm.…

And then the constant Nightmares...…

They become routines these days…

I don't seem that phased from them anymore...…

I see myself... in peace each time my heart stops beating…

I fear one day to not notice myself dreaming. and ending it all…

Life is more than just a balancing act of life and death..…

something inside me... wants me dead... wants me dead, very badly……

No words nor pictures seem to be enough to unleash the amount of anguish I feel inside…  been doing a different approaches... meditation. Only I can understand myself than anybody else... Cause I can experience myself beyond words and images... And that has been working... picking up the fragments. one by one... I began to notice clouser with myself…

It all has felt like one big nightmare… I continue to spazz… Something inside just continues to say… You have not suffered enough, yet. I will continue to haul along with bleeding stitches and scars, In hope of one day to get what I deserve… If not tear it into pieces till I scrape off what I need…


And with this final words… I hope to shoot the old self in the head… and open a new chapter where this nightmare does not exist anymore… It is time to come back… It is time to reach on the light and bask in it….
  • Mood: Miserable
  • Listening to: Avenged sevenfold
  • Playing: Crypt of the Necrodancer
  • Eating: ParadoX
  • Drinking: Enigmas


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Sat Jun 28, 2014, 8:53 AM
I like churros
Sun Dec 29, 2013, 1:32 PM
Mon Nov 19, 2012, 10:36 AM
Sat Oct 6, 2012, 3:25 PM
Sat Oct 6, 2012, 3:51 AM
Fri Oct 5, 2012, 8:54 AM


Add a Comment:
DJ-Xyclone Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2015  Student Writer
Happy Birthday!
chris9801 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2015
Happy Birthday! ᵔ.ᵔ…
voreist22 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2015
happy birthday!
DJ-Xyclone Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2015  Student Writer
Thanks for the fave!
DJ-Xyclone Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2015  Student Writer
Thanks so much for the watch! It means a lot!
Kassc Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
oh wow~. That flatters me~
Well I have you to blame for having such good arts~ :p
DJ-Xyclone Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2015  Student Writer
Kassc Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Feel free to re-read the comment if you dont seem to understand.
But what I am saying its a fact and you are more than welcome to take it as granted n.n
(1 Reply)
tg-0 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2015   General Artist
Hey, happy new year =)
Kassc Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thankies!~. Happy new year~
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