Time... time ticks cause we made it tick...
What is time with life...
I find my self standing with a beating heart, still breathing and living.
I try to register time in my mind... and some how my memories seem so blur or shaded in a way or an other. At a younger age time flew so slow and everything was just... plain yet interesting. And I try to put my self back in the past as if I was that 7 year old kid running throw the forest with both my beloved dogs~... but cant see to catch a clear imagine nor feelings. I was stripped from all my friends, family and home at a very young age. I burned down my ships to conquer new lands... but I lost my self, I have nothing that reminds me of what I was or how I was. Just an endless sea of writings in various books stocked in the corner of my closet.
I feel like steel slate that once held some level of great importance but it got rusted and corroded over the constant beating of crude life... The only thing I seem to hold in my hands is experience. crude experience of events I wish to not experience again... And a great deal of my conciseness is LIVID at the end result, something inside me wants me so fucking dead and so everything else that is around.
Every time I try to reach out on those sentient beings that gave me a feeling of purpose and existence... they do not recognize me, I cant see my reflection in their eyes no more...
So I go punching walls and shouting with a great deal of anguish and anger that I just desire to feel something true!... to feel genuine joy that holds no bars of expectations.
I desire to reach out of my own chasm and rip apart that false facade that addresses me. I know I bear heavy infected wounds deep within me, barbed wires slithering like worms and anguish beyond the heat of a super nova, I desire to feel GENUINE joy!
I need to stop depending from others and depend of my self!... I can experience and understand my self beyond seer human senses. There is something inside me that wants to "Veni, vidi, vici". I want to claim a righteous place where I wont just belong... but I will be one with.
My Morales and Values, my mindset is so screwed yet fixated for seer survival!... It was right on its time, it did aid me to survive this long. But I am in better environment which... I should start improving and becoming back on my own colors. In time it will happen~... I can see my self in a future where anguish, pain and anger are not the fuel of my life, if not joy and curiosity that will drive me to higher grounds!~.
Just wish that my first seed of conciseness and cognitive behavior was the same one harvested throw out my entire life!... but the constant shift of drastic environment changes wilted down every plant I nursed... being forced to harvest different seeds and nurse them Wrath, Envy, Pride, Greed... Madness... All the right elements to grow a toxic poison ivy that protect me from predators!... but harmed all of my good relationships... Paid a great price for survival and wealth...
I need to harvest a new seed... one that has to be nursed with Chasity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness and Humility... I will not let my "bad" experiences to be "bad"... if not just an experience where I learned to become a better sentient being... Some one that can and will grow stronger, I will not get rid of my poison ivy... its part of what I am!. And it's quite a strong tool... Just hope to never use it against my beloved relationships...
With this... I will come, I will see, and I will conquer. Cause I only have one chance to die after all. Might as well make the best of it.
Listening to: https://youtu.be/AH5_sKwDw1E
Playing: Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain
Drinking: Sun Drops