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About Traditional Art / Hobbyist Member Kassc Alvarez NoeggerathMale/United States Recent Activity
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Sorrow and regrets... emptyness and simply abandoned... The only person that ever loved me. I decided to shove her away. I keep having bizzar dreams of some one getting messy with the ones I love...
more I think about it... more it hurts. and the more it makes sense.... I just cant believe that a small Omen from my past is been torturing me all this time...
I need to step back and say sorry for hurting her... I never meant to hurt her.... but I was to afraid and scared to show her my feelings... and even more on hurting her...
in the end I ended up hurting my self. Far to much that I cant even measure it... I just wonder...
I just wonder why cant I even consider talking to her at all?... I sit my self down and Imagine her on a chair.
And... my body shudders in pain by considering the simple idea of apologizing to an imaginary her...
my hands sweat like if I dip them in water... my head spins around and eyes ache from a long lasting pain... How can a small event in my past caused me this much pain?... the very first women in my entire lonesome life. that decided to look over me, care about me... love me... and I shoved her away!... why has that been killing me for 5 years?....
I am just barely realizing it... after 5 long years of this.... growing depressions... that turned in to anxiety, insecurity, mediocrity and sorrow.
I find my self... lurking for that same care from others... whenever I tend to get close to get it... I get scared. and I simply find ways to avoid it... cause I feel like weight rather than helpful... All that roots from me shoving off the first girl that ever loved me...
How can a simple event scar me so bad that I almost forgot that even and that I simply ignored over so many years?.... I look at my journal and I seem to keep talking about the same thing. over and over... My eyes where still shaded and unable to see my terrible fact... my perception is so blur and short... that I cant even see the very truth of my situation...
I tho that running away will help me leave that pain there... but I was mistaken... I dragged all my memories. that slowly turned in to...
"What if"... regretting most of my past and feeling like a mediocre for not doing better... Even if my family consider me the most successful. even if my friends are surprised how far I reached. I feel below anyone in this planet... Have all this luxuries that I never ever had in mexico. Spoiled as fuck but I still feel like a maggot under anyone's eye...
making me soooooo insecure of my self that any comment seems to brake me down in to tears as if their words where facts.... Cant seem to cope any kind of stress or insults. my mind feels like broken gears. constantly twitching and cracking to one each other as if there where missing teeth...
My long last beliefs of being strong and unstoppable... having endless willpower and a curse of not being able to give up... but everything is being played on a very thin string... I was not strong at all, nor honorable... I was simply running away all this time... I was running all this time... filling my mind with lies just to make me feel better while I kept running from my horrible past...
I find my self here... sitting alone... What have I done with my life... I dont blame anyone here... The only person I can blame over this situation is my self... for being a coward... I keep smiling just to hide my pain... keep laughing just to hide my pain... keep joking, to hide my pain. cause the very things I laugh is the things that most scar me. I make my self laugh about it and numb my feelings as if does not hurt me at all....
but I just keep hurting my self with every passing day... I had finally reached a limit... I find my self unable to be my self... or was I being my self at all?... who I'm I with out doing all this running?!....
Now that I can remember my dreams...
The only first person I fall in love with... I decided to shove her away. On fear of losing her... fear of growing to close to her that will hurt when I lose her... Unable to understand my feelings as its just a giant tornado of miss understood feelings and emotions... I need to stop trying to understand... and simply let the emotions flow... I cant... I am stuck in my own head... stuck inside my own box... grinding chainsaws in to my heart... blending glass inside my chest... chocking my neck with a hanging rope... I keep asking my self.... why does it hurt?... WHY why WHY!?.... there is no reason for a why... I need to live the moment...
My dreams have always been the same thing... to be able to run away... to be able to fly away... but I am chained inside my own mind... forced to live throw.
The only thing that is keeping me alive. is faith... that hopefully... some one will be there... that some one will rescue me... Cant even take care of my self...
well... have a nice day guys... im off to work.
Yara yara... I got that "Help" from doctors and psychologist's.... but its amusing the solutions they gave me. There isn't much they can do rather than tell me and remind me stuff that I already know!... the only addition they ever gave me was... pills. Drugs. Illusions of feeling better while all my issues and problems are back-stabbing me!...

Yeah... the pills are in some sort of help?... but... in the end they just MAKE me feel good over no purpose or reason. and its just sucks cause... Its just no for me... all my problems are still there and I am happy about it?... its like a mind fuck in my brain by taking the pills!... but... in the other end... it sorta gives me inspiration 'to do' something rather than to sulk in to my 'depression'...

As time passes by... cant seem to relate to my friends anymore... either way I am to depressing for them to tolerate, to negative to make a good conversation or simply they just want me anymore cause I been changing?... Maybe they never knew me enough... And its sad cause... I don't feel the same support from them anymore... almost no support now days... I feel broken, misplaced all over again...

Every day its more of a struggle for survival than a moment to enjoy life?... Stress seems to coop to much that a sudden pain kneels me down to a deep howling sob... I've gotten many physical injuries... big and drastic enough to leave scars and impairments!... But now... something else that I can't heal alone is scorching my insides... as I seem to be dip in to sorrow, mediocrity and loneliness... Its sad to know that my only cure is to stick with family and friends... But I was never ever really close to family members cause how they always treated me... friends now days seem to push me apart cause they don't want to stand my negative mood... And my self... I just do what I can to keep my self alive...

Life is never like one wants it... but being happy or unhappy is a decision that you choose... I've decided to do the best with what have... or at least... do the best of my ability... the best based on knowledge...

But my conscious should be clear... and my soul should be pure... my mind should be on rest... cause my all my decisions had been for good intentions... maybe that is the only reason I am still alive and breathing... because I hope one day... that there is still salvation for me... Maybe not here... maybe not today... but I hope soon somebody will rescue me.

Rise and Shine...

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Kassc
Kassc Alvarez Noeggerath
Artist | Hobbyist | Traditional Art
United States
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Sorrow and regrets... emptyness and simply abandoned... The only person that ever loved me. I decided to shove her away. I keep having bizzar dreams of some one getting messy with the ones I love...
more I think about it... more it hurts. and the more it makes sense.... I just cant believe that a small Omen from my past is been torturing me all this time...
I need to step back and say sorry for hurting her... I never meant to hurt her.... but I was to afraid and scared to show her my feelings... and even more on hurting her...
in the end I ended up hurting my self. Far to much that I cant even measure it... I just wonder...
I just wonder why cant I even consider talking to her at all?... I sit my self down and Imagine her on a chair.
And... my body shudders in pain by considering the simple idea of apologizing to an imaginary her...
my hands sweat like if I dip them in water... my head spins around and eyes ache from a long lasting pain... How can a small event in my past caused me this much pain?... the very first women in my entire lonesome life. that decided to look over me, care about me... love me... and I shoved her away!... why has that been killing me for 5 years?....
I am just barely realizing it... after 5 long years of this.... growing depressions... that turned in to anxiety, insecurity, mediocrity and sorrow.
I find my self... lurking for that same care from others... whenever I tend to get close to get it... I get scared. and I simply find ways to avoid it... cause I feel like weight rather than helpful... All that roots from me shoving off the first girl that ever loved me...
How can a simple event scar me so bad that I almost forgot that even and that I simply ignored over so many years?.... I look at my journal and I seem to keep talking about the same thing. over and over... My eyes where still shaded and unable to see my terrible fact... my perception is so blur and short... that I cant even see the very truth of my situation...
I tho that running away will help me leave that pain there... but I was mistaken... I dragged all my memories. that slowly turned in to...
"What if"... regretting most of my past and feeling like a mediocre for not doing better... Even if my family consider me the most successful. even if my friends are surprised how far I reached. I feel below anyone in this planet... Have all this luxuries that I never ever had in mexico. Spoiled as fuck but I still feel like a maggot under anyone's eye...
making me soooooo insecure of my self that any comment seems to brake me down in to tears as if their words where facts.... Cant seem to cope any kind of stress or insults. my mind feels like broken gears. constantly twitching and cracking to one each other as if there where missing teeth...
My long last beliefs of being strong and unstoppable... having endless willpower and a curse of not being able to give up... but everything is being played on a very thin string... I was not strong at all, nor honorable... I was simply running away all this time... I was running all this time... filling my mind with lies just to make me feel better while I kept running from my horrible past...
I find my self here... sitting alone... What have I done with my life... I dont blame anyone here... The only person I can blame over this situation is my self... for being a coward... I keep smiling just to hide my pain... keep laughing just to hide my pain... keep joking, to hide my pain. cause the very things I laugh is the things that most scar me. I make my self laugh about it and numb my feelings as if does not hurt me at all....
but I just keep hurting my self with every passing day... I had finally reached a limit... I find my self unable to be my self... or was I being my self at all?... who I'm I with out doing all this running?!....
Now that I can remember my dreams...
The only first person I fall in love with... I decided to shove her away. On fear of losing her... fear of growing to close to her that will hurt when I lose her... Unable to understand my feelings as its just a giant tornado of miss understood feelings and emotions... I need to stop trying to understand... and simply let the emotions flow... I cant... I am stuck in my own head... stuck inside my own box... grinding chainsaws in to my heart... blending glass inside my chest... chocking my neck with a hanging rope... I keep asking my self.... why does it hurt?... WHY why WHY!?.... there is no reason for a why... I need to live the moment...
My dreams have always been the same thing... to be able to run away... to be able to fly away... but I am chained inside my own mind... forced to live throw.
The only thing that is keeping me alive. is faith... that hopefully... some one will be there... that some one will rescue me... Cant even take care of my self...
well... have a nice day guys... im off to work.

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Comments


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:iconerlsregards:
ERLsregards Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2014
thanks for the favorite!
Reply
:iconwolvan1:
Wolvan1 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2014
Glad seeing you being back! Welcome back man!
Reply
:iconchris9801:
chris9801 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014
Happy Birthday! ᵔ.ᵔ

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISbbjA…
Reply
:icondj-xyclone:
DJ-Xyclone Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014  Student Writer
Happy Birthday!!!
Reply
:icontg-0:
tg-0 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2014   General Artist
Thanks =)
Reply
:iconkassc:
Kassc Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
?
Reply
:icontg-0:
tg-0 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2014   General Artist
Try to recall.
Reply
:iconkassc:
Kassc Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I know who you are!~... I just wonder why you said thanks xD
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconhellothereguy:
hellothereguy Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014
Hey, do you roleplay?
Reply
:iconkassc:
Kassc Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Uuuhhh... yes and no.
Not on DA cause notes are annoying and well... Its DA. this place for art
But I do RP on other sites
Reply
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